I have stayed with the doula work long enough to have the joy of seeing, in a big-time NYC hospital, a sign describing what a respectful birth is about — and telling pregnant women that it is their natural right to have one.

It gets better.

The remarkable nurses at this hospital went beyond the expectations described by the sign, and actually cared for my client’s desire to have a memorable, very personal birth experience.

The questions these nurses asked really blew my mind. — in the best kind of way.

“Would you like to go home, drink a glass wine ( I see a “new” trend🍷), and try to sleep?”
“Does the room temperature make you feel relaxed?“
“What kind of food would feel right to your stomach right now?“
“Do you think it is a good time to check if your cervix has changed?”
“What language (my client speaks 4) would you rather speak?“
“The epidural will not change your birth plan … It is still the birth of your baby, your choices.”
“How about some nipple stimulations? This works better than Pitocin…”
“The baby is posterior, but your body can bring it to the optimal position with the right body position changes…”

I stand there, not sure what to do. My heart is full. I thought about retirement. Has all my work as a doula been completed?

And then, I remind myself — this is one hospital that has gotten the message. One team of nurses that knows how to treat women with sensitivity and respect.

But there is still a long journey to travel. Treatment approaches that value dollars above joyous birth and prioritize the convenience of hospital staff over mothers’ needs are still too common. My job is to support the woman, her partner, and her baby — not by going to battle, but by listening and responding and reminding the mother of her own instincts and power.

Many years ago, a wonderful client who had just given birth gave me the biggest compliment I could ask for. “You heard me,” she said, and that was what she needed most. When women feel they are being heard, and a genuine effort is put to make their birth come as close as possible to what they wish for, respectful birth happens.

I give utmost respect to all who give care, especially the ones that really care. We need to keep reminding ourselves of what normal should be, and how far we still have to go.

I urge all women to reflect on what a normal birth is about. Is it normal to restrain women in a hospital bed -- hungry, thirsty, procedures being performed on their bodies barely looking at their eyes -- with a straight answer: “It’s a hospital policy“? Is it normal to not ask for their consent, not give them any explanation why something is being done, and many times leave the laboring women to feel they don’t know anything and are being “too much” for asking questions?

Women, especially BIPOC, are not being heard. We suffer a tremendous injustice when we are not asked what our desires are, what special circumstances we might have, when completely and fair information is not given before we give permission for a procedure to be done on our bodies.

I witnessed a labor and delivery where every step of the way was respectful. It’s time now for that to become the norm.